3 Sets of Powerful Questions On How To Succeed At Hard Conversations - Learned from a former FBI agent who served as the lead international kidnapping negotiator
And my personal perspective on how to apply them in facilitated sessions
One of the podcasts of Dr. Andrew Huberman I just listened and I did not imagine at first I would be able to connect with the facilitation world so much is the episode called “How to Succeed at Hard Conversations” with Chris Voss. Chris Voss is a former Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) agent who was the lead negotiator in many high-risk, high-consequence cases.
I did many notes and in this article, I will share the ones related to powerful questions. The first part, on tactics, you can find here.
I added my personal perspective at each point, sharing my view from a Neuromindfulness Coach's eye.
Double-check body language with questions instead of making assumptions!
There might be body language signs that you observe like looking to one side, making a pause to think, and so on.
You certainly have a gut feeling if the body language lines up with the words but it is contextual and you need to ask questions in order not to assign the wrong meaning to it.
Questions like: “Looks like something just crossed your mind, or?”, “It feels like something is in the way here, or?”
Personal perspective: assumptions are our saboteurs in any conversation, bringing us to tension and conflicts in the worst case. They also act like this when we read a person's body language and assign the wrong meaning to it. Asking powerful questions helps the person we have the conversation with open up and feel heard. The RELATEDNESS button from SCARF is pressed positively when you have the impression that the other person just knows what you might feel they can relate to you. It is a situation when you feel more comfortable sharing your thoughts. It can be really useful especially in coaching sessions but not only.
“Vision drives decision” - how do I know that you will follow through?
The suggestion of Chris Voss is to ask the question above and check the reaction of the other person. If they have been thinking already how to put into action what they say they will do then they will answer right away, fast. If they do not and do not have real plans already, they will ask questions or take time to think about it.
Personal perspective:
When having a scoping / aligning workshop with a team to check if they go in the same direction if they have or do not have a strategy, or when having one-to-one interviews with each member of a team in order to find this out, placing a similar question like “How will you know if you have achieved this?” will make the difference. It is easy to immediately see if they have a strategy and a plan for it or not.
The same thing happens at the end of a session, in the commit phase of a workshop, when you ask the participants to reflect and share their own action plan on how they will personally put into practice the next steps/decision taken and so on. You will know immediately if they are committed to it or not.
Pro-active Listening - anticipating the negativity when it’s predictable
When you expect a negative emotion, it is suggested by Chris Voss to label the presented emotion or the one that you believe will arrive with phrases like “It will probably sound harsh to you…” or “You will going to hate me when I ask you this…” and so on. This will decrease the negative emotion if any through just calling it out.
Personal perspective: When thinking about how to apply this in facilitation, it connects in my head with setting the expectations. Because people want to know what their day looks like and what to expect. When you tell them from the start (I even draw this) which emotions they might have, and what their emotional rollercoaster might look like, it is then easier for them to go through it. Sometimes there are deep focus moments that are uncomfortable or discussions about pain points that might bring them low emotions. It is useful for them to know this upfront. This helps to press the CERTAINTY button from the SCARF model positively.
Bottom lines:
I have a big collection of powerful questions. These ones I added to it.
It is fascinating how words make the difference in how our brain perceives a situation as a threat or as a reward.