When a Participant Behaviour Didn't Make Sense to Me
What I learned when my assumptions fell apart
Sometimes we struggle with people not because of what they are doing.
But because we need their behaviour to make sense.
The Situation
I was facilitating a workshop with a leadership team.
One participant confused me from the start.
They weren’t openly opposing.
They weren’t disengaged.
They weren’t taking over.
But every time we moved forward, they seemed to pull back.
When the group became excited, they became cautious.
When decisions were made, they raised new questions.
When everyone seemed aligned, they pointed to potential risks.
After a while, I caught myself creating explanations.
Maybe they don’t want this change.
Maybe they don’t trust the team.
Maybe they just like being difficult.
The truth?
I didn’t know.
The Unexpected Turn
At lunch, I sat next to them.
Not as a facilitator.
Just as another human being.
We started talking.
They told me about a project from two years earlier.
A project that had moved quickly.
A project everyone celebrated.
A project that later failed badly.
The team had spent months cleaning up the consequences.
Suddenly, their behaviour made sense.
They weren’t trying to slow us down.
They were trying to protect the group from making the same mistake twice.
Nothing about their behaviour changed.
What changed was my understanding of it.
What Shifted
The rest of the workshop felt different.
Not because they became easier.
Because I became more curious.
Instead of seeing obstacles, I started seeing information.
Instead of reacting to the behaviour, I started listening for what sat underneath it.
The questions that had frustrated me in the morning became useful in the afternoon.
The group didn’t need less of their voice.
The group needed to understand it.
Brain Nugget (Neuroscience Behind the Moment)
Our brains are prediction machines.
When someone’s behaviour doesn’t make sense, the brain quickly fills in the gaps.
Usually with stories.
And those stories often focus on intention.
They’re resisting.
They’re difficult.
They’re negative.
The challenge is that behaviour is visible.
The reason behind it isn’t.
When we become curious before becoming certain, we give ourselves a chance to discover what’s really happening.
Sometimes the behaviour stays exactly the same.
But our relationship to it changes completely.
Takeaway
Not every behaviour needs fixing.
Sometimes it needs understanding.
The moment we stop asking:
“What’s wrong with this person?”
And start asking:
“What might this person be trying to protect?”
The room often looks very different.
Your Turn
Think about a participant you’ve struggled with recently.
What story did you create about their behaviour?
And what might change if there was another explanation you haven’t considered yet?